Catharsis

I'm just so wrought. I feel like I could spill onto the floor and never come back. I've never loved anyone in my life. But I loved him. I always just used men for their undying affection and devotion. But I wanted to take care of Chris. I wanted to be his wife. His real wife. All his shortcomings, I wanted to make up for. I wanted to hold him when he was sick. Kiss him when he was sad. Make love to him when he was happy. God, it hurts. It hurts so bad. It hurts so bad that I wasn't made for him. I can't get back together with him because I can't promise that I won't make mistakes. Insensitive ones. Uncompassionate ones. I never thought of him the way I wanted him to know I did.

I wish Jack never happened. I wish I had never asked for that threesome. I wish I never made you feel bad for not being tall, white, and skinny. I wish I never e-mailed anyone. I wish I never sold those pictures. I wish I helped you move the first time. I wish I dropped everything when you got in your car accident. Chris, I'm sorry for not being there when it counted, and I'm sorry for destroying the things that did. You were always there for me, but I could never be bothered enough to show I cared. You always had high expectations for me and knew I would reach them. You just didn't know when. I wish that I was there already. But I'm not, and I wish that you find someone who is. It took me two years to realize this, but I want you to be happy, even if I won't be a part of your life anymore...