Obligation
Someone once told me, "You have no obligation to anyone but yourself". Those words literally redirected my past relationship, my ideals, my goals and my aspirations. I remember I first heard them three weeks before my boob job, around my 21st birthday, and ever since I've heard them, I've been living with that as my mantra.
If I had never heard those words, I'm positive that I'd still be with Chris, being a wonderful and loving partner. It's funny. It's like those words were some kind of magic spell that brought out a whole host of qualities in me I had never seen. I became more independent, more self-serving, more fiesty... Chris often asked me what about me changed, suddenly? I think I've finally pinpointed it.
It's amazing how much impact another's words can have on a person. For me, they changed everything about my life. I started seeing life as less a matter of debts and reparations and more as the idea of self-permanence and disposability. I started to see people as islands, only sailing to other islands to get something they needed, whether it was money, validation, or even the promise of a future favor.
People stepped out of old mental constructs and evolved into something entirely different. My family went from the institution I would have sacrificed myself for to a set of people who knew my childhood better than I did. My friends changed from a form of social leisure into a series of give and take sessions. And Chris, whom I had thought I would love forever, became a man.
When you live like that, you only want to take from others and you only warrant giving when there is something to take in the first place. It's the idea that if you aren't helping me, then you are hurting me. This is why the men I date are so disposable. Sex and affection have become business transactions. And that is where I am wrong.
Knowing what I know now, I would have revised what my friend said into, "The only obligation you have to anyone is to those you love". I still believe that give and take relationships exist with acquaintances and friends. But for those you love, you need to give yourself and take care of them the best way you know how. And in respecting the past, I'm giving my apology to Chris - I have finally found a reason to truly be sorry.
If I had never heard those words, I'm positive that I'd still be with Chris, being a wonderful and loving partner. It's funny. It's like those words were some kind of magic spell that brought out a whole host of qualities in me I had never seen. I became more independent, more self-serving, more fiesty... Chris often asked me what about me changed, suddenly? I think I've finally pinpointed it.
It's amazing how much impact another's words can have on a person. For me, they changed everything about my life. I started seeing life as less a matter of debts and reparations and more as the idea of self-permanence and disposability. I started to see people as islands, only sailing to other islands to get something they needed, whether it was money, validation, or even the promise of a future favor.
People stepped out of old mental constructs and evolved into something entirely different. My family went from the institution I would have sacrificed myself for to a set of people who knew my childhood better than I did. My friends changed from a form of social leisure into a series of give and take sessions. And Chris, whom I had thought I would love forever, became a man.
When you live like that, you only want to take from others and you only warrant giving when there is something to take in the first place. It's the idea that if you aren't helping me, then you are hurting me. This is why the men I date are so disposable. Sex and affection have become business transactions. And that is where I am wrong.
Knowing what I know now, I would have revised what my friend said into, "The only obligation you have to anyone is to those you love". I still believe that give and take relationships exist with acquaintances and friends. But for those you love, you need to give yourself and take care of them the best way you know how. And in respecting the past, I'm giving my apology to Chris - I have finally found a reason to truly be sorry.
posted by Quyen @ 10:54 AM
8 Comments:
At 12:07 PM ,
peachy said...
I think that you can take care of them the best way you know how to a point. There is a certain point where you just can't give anymore.
But, it seems like you are maturing and learning and that's always good.
At 6:58 PM ,
LE Sweetz said...
the whole people-as-islands is a jaded way to look at the world. you're much too young to be that jaded.
when all else fails, i just stick to the golden rule. it may sound silly, but it works for me.
At 6:59 AM ,
Calvin said...
we all learn as life goes on.. glad to see you making peace with some old ghosts.
At 3:37 PM ,
The Mighty Anonymous said...
I know that whole, "You have no obligation to anyone but yourself," thing didn't come from me.
Actually Q, I'm going to flat out disagree with you on this one. Obligations are owed to more than just people you love.
Obligations are something (a promise, a custom, etc) that compels you toward a course of action.
Besides the day to day obligations that we run across (leave the house clothed, do your homework, etc). We are obliged to tell the truth, and to fulfill our promises.
Some people, like myself, believe there is an obligation to our communities, to make the world a little less miserable. You remember the charities I sponsor? That's why.
We are obliged to everyone we come across. It's reflected in the very idea of a social contract.
Now, if you want to say that you have an obligation to yourself as well, I would certainly agree with that.
If you want to say the only person you are RESPONSIBLE for is yourself, I would agree with you to a point (So long as you're not the parent of a child or paid to be in management). I could see how you would think that is a contradiction, but it's not.
It's not your job to change people, or your responsiblity to make them into whatever image you want. Your job is not to make people nice at the end of a pointy stick, your job is to be nice.
If, by doing this, you show by example that your position is better, consider it a benefit.
At 4:08 PM ,
Jenn & John said...
I once believed that the only obligation you had was to yourself.
Fortunately, I have discovered that you have obligations to everyone, especially the ones you love.
Life is way too damn short to treat anyone poorly.
I need to get my ass down there to see you! However, you are NOT allowed to park in any red zones... remember, they are red for a reason!
At 2:45 PM ,
Yankeebob said...
I like what the mighty one said. I have read this post several times and it has frustrated me too much to comment.
You really are responsible for only you. You certainly don't owe someone an apology for a relationship that changed and didn't work out. People don't always grow in the same direction.
At 8:10 AM ,
The Mighty Anonymous said...
Boy, do I love being called the mighty one!
Sweetgirl909, thanks for the comments, but I don't think anyone misinterpreted from what I read...I could be wrong though.
I also prefer pointy sticks to swords, they hurt more.
May all your self-medicating be for recreational purposes!
Regards,
TMAnon
At 8:34 AM ,
Yankeebob said...
I didn't sat that everyone is an island. I said that you are only responsible for yourself and your actions/reactions. You can't control how others will react or control what they will feel.
Feeling responsible for someone's life when the two of you grow apart is a recipe for disaster. How many times does staying together out of pity or guilt for the relationship changing in a negative way ever work out well? I'd say about zero times. No one is an island.
That's all I'm saying.
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