Commitment
Why is the epitome of an intimate relationship commitment? What is it about us that makes us feel like commiting ourselves to someone or having others commit to us is somehow better? Sure, commitment makes us feel safe and comfortable. When we're in a committed relationship, we can talk openly and freely with the understanding that it's just between the two of you, not anyone else. We can express our intimate love for one another without hangups or boundaries.
But what if it's all an illusion? What if commitment doesn't change anything and it's just a figment of our imagination? What if we're tricking ourselves? How much do we really know about the people we're sleeping with? We can feel like we can say anything to each other in a committed relationship, but what if that's not true? What if commitment just makes us bolder and more brash to one another?
What about the title "girlfriend" gives her the right to call 20 times a day? What about the title "boyfriend" gives him the right to know where you are every second of the day? What if commitment is not the beginning, but the end?
If commitment is not all it's cracked up to be, then "friends with benefits" is also a no go. "Friends with benefits" assumes you're using someone for the intimate things you need when and where you want them. There's nothing nice about having that "one nite stand" feeling, regularly. And I guess that's where commitment comes from. It's a form of ownership. It defeats and throws down jealousy and doubt and mistrust. In a way, the word "commitment" should be translated as "commit to me - because you're mine."
But what if it's all an illusion? What if commitment doesn't change anything and it's just a figment of our imagination? What if we're tricking ourselves? How much do we really know about the people we're sleeping with? We can feel like we can say anything to each other in a committed relationship, but what if that's not true? What if commitment just makes us bolder and more brash to one another?
What about the title "girlfriend" gives her the right to call 20 times a day? What about the title "boyfriend" gives him the right to know where you are every second of the day? What if commitment is not the beginning, but the end?
If commitment is not all it's cracked up to be, then "friends with benefits" is also a no go. "Friends with benefits" assumes you're using someone for the intimate things you need when and where you want them. There's nothing nice about having that "one nite stand" feeling, regularly. And I guess that's where commitment comes from. It's a form of ownership. It defeats and throws down jealousy and doubt and mistrust. In a way, the word "commitment" should be translated as "commit to me - because you're mine."
posted by Quyen @ 1:09 PM
8 Comments:
At 1:56 PM ,
JK said...
I think refering to teh word "girlfriend" implies that the person is first and foremost your friend. We usually reserve the title "-friend" for the person that we respect. We then add a title to imply that the person is "my girlfiend" which does imply some sort of commitment. I'm not sure if that shit makes sense, but I've never really thought about the use of teh words commitment, and girlfriend.
Things that make you go hmmm.
At 12:19 PM ,
Yankeebob said...
Commitment is a scary thing. I have learned the hard way that most of the time, it is the end of self. That is a terrible thought, but it is true.
Some may consider that to be a selfish reaction but I think the best relationships evolve and just happen. The titles (boyfriend/girlfriend) aren't forced and the individual personalities don't disappear.
Of course, these types of relationships are very rare.
At 1:53 PM ,
Chris said...
I agree with Giest. The word commitment is over used to the point of losing all meaning these days.
People will say they're in a committed relationship when in fact there's no trust or faith, but instead jealousy, doubt and mistrust. That's why the guy has to know where his "girlfriend" is "every second of the day" - he suspects, and perhaps with good reason, that she's running around with other men.
Geist, if you can find a way to keep from having a part of yourself devoured by commitment, let the rest of us know asap. Since leaving my, for lack of a better word, "committed" relationship, I've got back all of me and to great success. I'm a better teacher, person, and ... I just got bumped from trying out for a 15 minute spot at a national conference to landing a one-hour spot.
I think the important question to ask before getting too deep into a relationship is: Is what I'm going to lose of myself worth what I'm going to gain? If your partner is unwilling to commit, which was true in my case, it's not even worth thinking about.
At 2:08 PM ,
peachy said...
Disclaimer: I've been drinking
That's the point of friends with benefits. It's regular enough so you don't feel that it's a one night stand. As long as both parties are into it, game on. The problem comes when one feels more emotionally bound than the other.
At 2:55 PM ,
Jenn & John said...
I think a truly great relationship comes from two people being able to share with each other, yet they can have their own separate lives. Too many people think that commitment means co-dependency. And if you have commitment in a relationship, then you are bound to have a co-dependent relationship. I think that a happy relationship is one where two people have found themselves in the other person, never feeling like they have to sacrifice any part of themselves in a relationship. Sure, you may have to compromise from time to time about various things, but the trick is, trying to find that someone who can bring out your great qualities, never sacrificing the good you have to offer. Whats the point in that? I'd rather be alone if that is the case.
At 5:28 PM ,
a beer sort of girl said...
Amen Jenn! I love the co-dependent part.
Yay, semantics! I don't think that committment is all about ownership, or having the "right" to do anything. People use titles and ceremony to win outside approval. And for the most part, it's all just societal bullshit.
At 2:01 PM ,
Handsome B. Wonderful said...
I understand this issue a lot as I was NEVER going to get married AT ALL until my wife came along. We lucked out and truly are soul mates.
Although, we both think it's healthy and necessary to have friends outside our marriage.
Sometimes having a "mental friendship" with another person helps satisfy our need for diversity in life. It also helps us appreciate the other person that much more.
However, I do not think there is a set answer for everyone, sorry I'm not much help I guess.
At 2:26 PM ,
Minona said...
Great points. I don't have anything to add cept I took the idea of commitment way to seriously. Way to bring it down to earth.
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